Saturday, May 3, 2008

Aleatz Hates Eliwood


(This animation seems vaguely familiar, now that I've made it... Hmm, maybe I subliminally copied it off someone, or maybe I just have this playing over and over in my head because I hate Eliwood so much. Who's to tell? If you do happen to recognise it, drop me a line.)

To start things off I'll tell you that Fire Emblem happens to be my favourite video game of all time. For those of you who aren't big on video games and perhaps have not heard me go on about Fire Emblem I'll give a quick summary so you don't feel left out in this post. Fire Emblem is a turn-based, anime/medieval-styled RPG strategy game. In simple terms it just means it's the video game equivalent of chess, drawn by Japanese people.

In Fire Emblem you are given a handful of characters, each with their own background and combat traits, and have to go through maps destroying other pixelated units. It is ever so much fun! However, if one of your characters dies then they remain dead for the rest of the game. Oh no! The only way to get that unit back is to restart the game and the chapter, and if the chapter is particularly hard then the player is likely to get very pissed. So here is where this post is going...

For the long time I've owned Fire Emblem 7 I have hated Marcus. This hatred blossomed after my first play through, where I came into the last chapter only to have Marcus (a unit which I had wasted a lot of experience points on, this being my first play though and all) die about midway through the chapter. Although I found this utterly annoying, I decided to keep playing and not restart to save him. Marcus has been the one and only FE character I have ever 'let die'.

So now I hate Marcus and I rarely use him (except in Hector Hard Mode where I don't really have a choice) so I have to turn all my turn-based anger onto another character. That character is Eliwood. It is a hard toss-up to say which character I hate more. Eliwood or Marcus. But recently I discovered that despite all Marcus' flaws I hate Eliwood more. Why? There is only one simple reason. He's a lord.

What's the special thing about him being a lord? It means (for all the non-FE players) that you have to take him into every chapter and if he dies the game is over. With Marcus you can simply decide not to take him into any chapters when you don't feel like it. Not the same for Eliwood. He has to go into every battle when he's in your party, despite the difficulty of the chapter or anything else.

Now that I've discussed my 'revelation' I shall go onto the fine points of this hatred.


Reasons Why Eliwood Sucks Major Arse:


1. He has red hair: His hair is so red it'd make Dom cringe. Enough said.

2. He's Prince Charming, Disney Style: He has the personality of a muppet. It seems as if Intelligent Systems hired Disney to create him just so he'd piss off whoever played this game. God damn his stupid charm and crappy, cliched personality.


3. He sucks as a unit: Congratulations Eliwood. You managed to hit that mercenary at a 100% hit rate! Knocking off that 6 points of health sure did help your party! Twerp.

4. He's Roy's father: I haven't played much of FE6, but I'm told Roy is the worst lord ever to plague the series. I could believe it. After all, he's Eliwood's son, and thus inherits his shitty red hair, shitty stats, shitty personality and shitty Marcus.


5. People keeps saying he's the best lord in the game: I won't lie, I don't get this. I mean, HOW IS ELIWOOD BETTER THAN BOTH THE LORDS?! I don't know where these people get this from... Maybe Eliwood's stats are better than Lyn's and/or Hector's, but the unpleasant combination of everything makes him suck. AND at least the other lords HAVE a good personality. What does Eliwood have? A dead father, Marcus, a shitty horse which is only available close to the end of the game, and a sword which has the same effect as the swords the other two lords have.

Lyn can dodge stuff. Hector can block stuff. Eliwood gets hit with a lance and he's dead. And then you have to restart your game BECAUSEELIWOOD'SAF***INGLORDANDIHATEHIMSOMUCHGAH!

6. He gets a f***ing horse for a promotion present: Yeah, where the f*** did the horse come from? I don't know. You don't know. Hector and Lyn don't know. I doubt even the developers know. Point is, he sucks as an unpromoted unit, and he sucks just as much as a promoted one. Although now his animation looks even dumber. Seriously, look at the frames! That horse thinks it's a donkey!

Oh, and he gets lances too. Now if Eliwood aims for the heart and his retarded horse jumps more than a foot he'll be able to actually damage something.

7. He's a wuss: Your father's dead. Shit happens. Get over it. We don't need a pretty CG showing everyone what a pansy you are.

8. He's friends with Marcus: If all the above points weren't enough, then just look at his company (and I don't mean Hector. Don't you dare taint Hector!). Marcus serves him, and his stupid son, simply because he's a stupid lord... Gee, Marcus' job must suck... I'd actually feel sorry for the guy if I didn't hate him so much.
This just in from Wikipedia as a description of Marcus- 'He is a mentor and father figure to Eliwood (who used to follow him around as a little boy) and his assistants.' This would explain a lot. Both of them are major suckage.

9. Did I mention that Hector's better?: Check out Hector in my animation. Surely this is proof enough that he's better than Eliwood. If not, look at me counter Eliwood's bad points with Hector's good ones. To start of, Hector's hair is blue, the complete opposite to red. He's reckless and has no stick up his arse. He doesn't suck as a unit, in fact, he's very good. He's not Roy's father. People often claim he's the best lord in the game, but many people say he's the worst. He owns an axe which can cut through horses. He's not a wuss. He doesn't even support with Marcus.

The only thing riding against Hector (which everyone whom argues that Hector sucks feels the urge to mention) is his promotion time (which just happens to be... Oh my! Close to Eliwood's!). Except for that, Hector is pure awesomeness. And hey, at least you don't have to force yourself to train him (like I have to do with Eliwood).


Source: http://www.feplanet.net/index.php?fep=sprites/archive/cg&id=7

Eliwood: Father... Father!
Elbert: ...I hope to... God, that... my
grandson... isn't as pathetic as this...


It brings me much satisfaction to know that Eliwood dies in Fire Emblem 6. Because if he didn't, I'd fly to Japan and force IS to make a game where he did die, preferably to the hands of me. Yay for Wikipedia saying 'At the start of the game [FE6], he is beset by illness, so he decides to stay at Castle Pherae to not be a burden on Roy.'

Yeah, curses suck, don't they Eliwood? Too bad you suck more. Boourns.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

*Aitze politely disagrees. ._.

I like Eliwood, and I kind of dislike Hector... <_< And wouldn't anyone be like that if their father died in their arms?

Ah well...

Aleatz said...

:O

Dislike Hector...? WITCH!!! XD Aitze, you're allowed to disagree with me. That's what the comment section is for. My word isn't law, although I sometimes wish it was >.>

Notice how many characters happen to die in Eliwood's arms? You'd think he would have learnt by now that crying doesn't do much and when Nergal is standing in front of you that it might be a good idea to stab him. At least Hector acts on impulse and when he gets anry actually tries to do something about it.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with you, since I stumbled on this blog by Google searching "Eliwood sucks."

Aleatz said...

That's an odd thing to type into Google. *Types it in* OH, I LOVE THESE PEOPLE! Thanks for commenting! Glad others share the hatred.

Anonymous said...

wtf is your problem aleatz

Aleatz said...

Give me legitimate question (i.e. one which ends with a question mark) and I might actually give you a legitimate answer.

Anonymous said...

Trust me, if you'd just train Eliwood to level 20 then promote him then train to level 20 again, he owns alot with Durandal, and if you don't want him in, do Hector's story...

Aleatz said...

Alrighty then. Problem is I don't want to train Eliwood to 20/20 because he's a bitch. Secondly, I need to play Eliwood's mode to unlock the others in the first place. Besides, Eliwood's mode is alright, even if it is his mode.

Anonymous said...

You hate Eliwood well you must suck at fire emblem then because 1/3 of the army is below him. As for trianing well that's how you play a fire emblem game early weak units become better. As for Eliwood's personally just look at Ike he has the personally of a rock.

Aleatz said...

I hate a unit, therefore I suck at Fire Emblem? By that logic every FE fan must suck at it then. Also, being ahead of 1/3 of your army (in your opinion) is no great accomplishment anyway, considering he's a lord and he has to be dragged into every chapter.

You're supposed to train units in FE? I HAD NO IDEA. Seriously, all my units are still on their joining levels! I don't bother training any of them because I suck at FE!

Yeah, um, there are some units which are a pain in the arse to train in FE. For those units it's nice to receive some sort of end-product which satisfies the user. Eliwood doesn't satisfy me. I doubt that he'd even be able to satisfy Ninian.

And I won't be looking at Ike, because I've never touched FE9 and I haven't been bothered to complete enough of FE10 to form a good opinion on him. So you can bite me.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I don't like Eliwood much, either. When I first started the game, I wanted to throw it out the window of a moving car because I had to bring him on every mission. He was extremely hard to train. I got him to level 3.

For some reason, this time in the game, Hector is really hard to train and Eliwood is easy to. But I still don't like him. >.>

Anonymous said...

i think no character is any worse than the next character, it is just a matter of who you choose and who gets more experience if you add up the stats of all the characters from agility, strength etc while all characters are the same level you will find that they all have the exact same stats and they are just balanced differently. i love both Hector and Eliwood but my favorite is Lyndis.

Anonymous said...

aw, i feel kind of bad for Eliwood. life pretty much hates him. his father, ninian, and his wife all die in front of him