Misleading title. The real one is supposed to be ‘Aleatz Hates Fad Diets’, but, you know… Dream crushers relates to everybody! And I’m in a very including mood right now (if that is a mood. Let’s see if Facebook thinks so).
Fad diets are a real crime of the modern world. They prey on the stupid and fat (or some who have a bit of both, like myself) and take their money, time and effort and transform it into Lamborghinis and palaces made of crystal… Okay, I made that stuff up, but the rest is true! Take a quick look at this site, which takes a humourous approach to fad diets:
I like the Chocolate Diet. Too bad it doesn’t actually contain that much chocolate.
After a browse at Westfield and seeing how much money can be made through books on fad diets I thought it might be a good idea to invent my own.
Aleatz’s ‘Put Down the Potato Chip or I’ll Shoot!’ Diet
Rules
- You may only eat on days of the week starting with ‘T’ or ‘S’ and ending with ‘Y’. If you proceed to tell me that all the days of the week end with ‘Y’, I’ll proceed to make this diet harder to follow.
- Any food which you can juggle may be eaten, but ONLY if you can eat it whilst juggling.
- Any food with a funny name is off limits. This includes Horlicks, Chili Willy sauce, Spotted Dick or any type of assorted nuts.
- If you can write and perform an original song about a food you may eat as much of it as you want at Christmas. (Just try NOT thinking about Christmas carols!)
- If you have described a type of food as ‘favourite’ online, to friends or in any form of questionnaire or conversation then you may never eat that food again. EVER.
- Exercise isn’t essential, but if you become my slave for a week you’ll be allowed to eat whatever you want. Even some sort of gelatin dish. It’s made from hooves, you know.
- Spam is bad. Both on the net and in a can. Just don’t, people. Just don’t. If you do, you won’t get food for a year. The diet says so!
- Once a month, fill your bath tub with one of the following: Oats, jelly, chocolate, milk, chocolate milk, chocolate milk oats, chocolate-milk-oat-flavoured jelly or canned spaghetti. Swim in the contents, and then reflect on what a pig you are. If you don’t turn bulimic after that, then… man… God knows I tried hard enough.
After six months on the PDTPCOIS diet, buy a pair of pants 14 sizes bigger than your pants at the time (I guarantee they won’t fit you!) and go up to strangers while wearing them outside your normal pants. They’ll be impressed. Proceed to direct them to this diet.
Man I’m good.
Point is, fad diets just crush people’s dreams. So, I don’t know… Go eat a sandwich or burn down the Health section in Borders. Just do something constructive for a change. Why must I do all the work?
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2 comments:
yeah diets just suck in general... i tried to go on one this week with my lil sis after our family vacation... and it lasted 4 days. Well, on the fourth I lost it and ate everything in the cabinet, while my sister told me I was eating like a pregnant woman. sigh.
Eh, I don't think diets overly suck in general, just the unrealistic ones formulated by people just trying to make money.
I'm currently on a diet now, but it's my own formulation. I think half the reason it's working so well is because I went onto it slowly by making small changes in what I ate instead of waking up one morning and saying 'I'm going on a diet today!' Gradually removing sugar products prevented any unwanted cravings.
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