Aleatz Hates Easter

Serious question: What does chocolate have to do with Jesus?

After exploring the origins of the modern Easter I discovered that the answer was quite simple: Not a shitload.

It’s just another example of how the Christian religion got low on ideas and decided to take something from the Pagans… A lot like Christmas! (…Because we all know shepherds don’t camp in the fields in the middle of friggin’ winter.)

So now I’m struggling to figure out who I should thank for the origins of Darrell Lea’s Nougat Egg/Christmas Pudding (they’re the same thing, only in a different package at a different time of the year).

That’s it. From now on I’m worshipping Darrell Lea at Easter!

Aleatz Hates Dragonball Evolution

Chow Yun-Fat looks like he's lost in a sea of excrement. That's probably closer to the truth then we'd like to believe.

[spoiler]

OKAY. Here’s the entire story. Goku is a 17/18 year old, white boy who goes to high school and gets picked on by all the ‘popular’ guys and called ‘Geek-u’ or some shit. He wants to bang Chi Chi, the pretty Asian chick, but he has no balls (despite the movie title this doesn’t really change throughout the film). Then he goes against his grandpa’s wishes by picking a fight with the guys at school and kicks all their arses without touching them. Suddenly Chi Chi is all over him like crumbs on a blanket.

Piccolo kills his grandpa, steals his dragonball, yadda, yadda, yadda, barf. Goku swears revenge. Meets Bulma. Barely any character introduction, but we’ll live. There’s too much to fit into the 80 minute time slot.

Master Roshi is Chow Yun-Fat, so that just shows that casting went out the window. They meet up and go searching for the other dragonballs before Piccolo gets them… Etc. They meet Yamcha. Stuff happens. Goku learns the Kamehameha in one night. Implied romance between him and Chi Chi. Piccolo’s shapeshifting henchlady, Mai, turns into Chi Chi and there’s a fight scene or something and she steals their dragonballs… More stuff happens.

The final conflict with Piccolo occurs after about an hour of suffering. He and Roshi fight. Goku learns he is actually Oozaru. Goku chucks a tanty and turns into Oozaru and kills Roshi, even though Piccolo has basically already killed him. Goku turns back to normal then destroys Piccolo or whatever. Then he uses the dragonballs to bring Roshi back to life. Yadda, yadda, yadda, end.

[/spoiler]

Don’t watch it. Don’t consider watching it. Don’t stare at the movie poster for more than 2 seconds. It is crap. The acting sucks. The writing is terrible. The casting is sickening. It has little to do with Dragonball. It’s almost as if Fox doesn’t like success.

People bitch about the series, but at least that had entertainment value. I’m not even sure whether this was one of those ‘So bad it was hilarious’ movies, because I sniggered once while watching it and I’m pretty sure it was because Lizie was begging for the link.

I knew it would be crap. But seriously… Fox. That 100 million could have been given to starving kids in Africa! I hope you lose on this you bastards.

Aleatz Hates Kid Rock

Wow. This place is empty!

Ok, so where do I start? I think it was on one of my drives to uni where I saw a car with a stupid number plate on the back saying 'Kid Rock'. That's when I realised the world was stupid. Not just because 'All Summer Long' was a #1 hit in numerous countries, but because there was someone out there with a number plate with his name on it.

I don't really know much about Kid Rock to be honest. In fact, I can't even remember any of his songs. Only 'All Summer Long'. I wouldn't have even considered him hate-worthy were it not for that craptastic piece of shite. He took one of the most repetitive songs in the world (seriously... 3 chords over and over again), changed the lyrics, had some backing vocalists put in, yadda, yadda, yadda... Suddenly it is the "biggest hit of his career" (that should be a good indication of how great the rest of his music is). Then some chick puts a number plate with his name on it on the back of her car.

Did I mention he got awards and critical exclaim for it? I'm seriously concerned about the state of the modern music industry.

Aleatz Hates Chick Flicks

So, yesterday I saw two movies. The first was 'John Tucker Must Die', which apparently is a great movie or something. The other (kinda by accident) was 'Dr Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb'. For all of those who've never heard of that one, here's a small Simpsons parody that might jog your memory:



'Dr Strangelove' made me realise what a good movie was supposed to be. The fact that the movie was 40 years old didn't even seem to matter, because it was still exceptionally hilarious. Such an awesome satire. After watching it I thought 'Wow, how could something like this be produced in the 60s in the US?!' Then I saw the credits and noticed it was all filmed in England. Highly surprising... but not really. If the British are good at anything, it's comedy.

Now, 'John Tucker Must Die'... It was meh. This seemed to remind me of previous chick flicks and how they have a general trend of being terrible. Sometimes you can be in the mood for a good chick flick, but when there are only so many hours in a day I can't understand why a person would go to the cinema twice in order to see something like John Tucker.



'This story is about John Tucker.'

Who cares?

Seriously. This movie uses every high school stereotype it can in order to not develop interesting characters. None of it is particularly funny... How does this qualify as a good movie?

Everyone, go and watch 'Dr Strangelove' before your life is over from watching too many shit movies.

Aleatz Hates Sasuke (Revisited)

Holy crap. I almost feel like taking back every good thing I've said about the Naruto series. Not because of the series itself, or even (to a certain extent) the characters in the series, but the large amount of fans who post indecipherable comments in relation to a rather short, crappy article I wrote about a fictional character.

Half the reason Sasuke sucks so bad is because of you.

If he didn't have a hoard of whiny fangirls defending him with their shitty comments he wouldn't suck more than a straw in melted ice cream. Do you think the people who have written proper comments in relation to that article didn't realise that Sasuke is a fictional character? Then why must you repetitively point it out to them?! Hell, why must you even need to defend him if he is fictional?!

One of the most common comments in defence of Sasuke's shitty personality is 'Sasuke's entire clan was killed by his brother and he saw it and that's why he's the way he is'. (Just imagine that with less grammar and incorrect spelling.)

Anime is filled with characters with traumatic pasts. Orphans, survivors of genocide/wars, etc. etc. barf. It is one of the major clichés of anime. Doesn't mean I can't point and laugh at a character now, does it? Doesn't mean the character has to be a complete douche. And an uninteresting douche at that.

But yeah, I don't understand why the majority of the hits/comments for this blog are based on the Sasuke page. Naruto isn't even a series worth fanboying. So, here's my final point in summary. I've even included pretty images for the people who still don't get it:



If you feel the urge to comment, go ahead. But be warned that I'm going to read comments as they are written. So if you can't spell 'you' with the two first letters then I'm sure we won't be getting far.

Now get off my lawn!

Aleatz Hates Christmas

Bah humbug.

I would like Christmas a bit more if it was a bit like the 'traditional' Christmas for me. Haven't had a Christmas tree in the house for almost a decade. Here in Oz we also have the luxury of a nice, warm summer. Doesn't even snow here in winter though, so I don't even know what I'm after. Also, my mum wanted me to go out and buy the Christmas present she was giving me... Kinda ruins the idea.

I'd love to say that none of that matters, and all that matters is the concept, but it's completely lost on my family. Over-glorified presents to the family members every year... Even when my mum's side of the family agreed to do a Secret Santa style present giving scenario one year (because otherwise it gets pretty expensive for those on a pension) my mum butchered it by getting every family member 'a little something' that they probably felt guilty in receiving because they had nothing planned for her because they thought they weren't supposed to.

Well, enough about that. Although polishing silver and working it my parent's shop for the last few days has dampened my holiday cheer, I can safely say I have it good. The fact that I'm type this now is proof enough of that. Even when I feel like taking a leaf from Mr Garrison's book and singing a not-too-pleasant Christmas song sometimes, I bounce back a few seconds later. So from me:



Now go and eat some puddin'. Make sure to drown it in brandy custard. And if I don't update before New Year's, I hope you have a good one. I, however, am working!

Grin through the pain...

Aleatz Hates Censorship

I don't usually do this (and I doubt doing this will have much of an impact) but I felt inclined to post this:

What internet censorship will mean for Australians:

• Slower internet speeds, even when the filler isn't used.
• The blocking of R+ material, meaning movies, games, etc.
• Control over what content is displayed.

I understand the government's aims, but the reality is that the internet is an entirely different beast to movies, television and all of that. Blocking 'inappropriate content' will be unbelievably impractical, and I think they just shouldn't bother. It'll just be another governmental cock-up. Plus, you know, I don't want them to decide what content I should to view. For all I know they could block one of my favourite anime shows and then I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. Yeah, just a tad dramatic there.

Oh, and I'm leaving for (the flooded) Tamworth on Saturday. Looking at rocks shall be fun! No net activity for a week. [insert smiles] Pull out your sniper, God, and aim for my shiny forehead.